Thursday 27 December 2012

The greyest shade of Spain

First and foremost, apologies for the lateness of this last post. I started writing this towards the end of my time in the Canaries and managed to finish it but, for some unknown reason, never posted it. The retard that I am. In case you wanted to know, I left Gran Canaria on 1st December 2012 and am now in Hong Kong. I was just browsing through the files on my USB and stumbled upon this little beauty so thought better post this late than never. In case you didn't, unlucky. Here is the grand final of '50 Shades...':

                                                                              *

Imagine yourself walking along the pier of a beach with velvety golden sands.You are surrounded by beautiful people of all different ages, all smiles and laughter. The sea is as clear and blue as the sky, the calming sound of the waves brushing against the shore is enough to send you to sleep. Then, out of nowhere, a massive tsunami hits and you are washed away into oblivion.

Snap back to reality. It's not a wave, it's beer or some horrid concoction of alcohol which some drug-induced, raving lunatic has just knocked in to me. I don't care though, I'm sufficiently wasted and that's all that matters. La Tomatera, a hangout which is conjoined to a squat, is my new place of interest! It's great, the place is frequented by life-loving, tree-hugging hippies and travelers. Every Thursday the residents of the squat offer free food, made with 'recycled' food (perishable food which has been skipped from bins), offer drinks and have a movie showing. The place does not charge for entry or drinks but encourage donations.

The squat is a construction of complete genius. It's an abandoned 3-storey house with a fully equipped kitchen and bathroom. The top floor is an open balcony where there are beds for people to sleep on as well as a little DL plantation! I'm actually quite envious and tempted to move in because they have full-length mirrors AND... wait for it... wait fooooooorrrrr iiiiiiiiiittttttttt...INTERNET, all things which our 'chic, modern' apartment lacks! All free of charge as well!

There are only two and a half weeks left. I'm at risk of sounding like an old fogey but I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. I'm still battling on with the DL and alcohol-related frenzy which takes place on this island though. In the past few weeks, Giuseppe's Pomodoro has had a mass turnover of employees, by mass I mean 3 people have either left or been fired. Giuseppe has instead 'hired', or for want of a more appropriate word, requested one of his friends from rugby and the wife of the chef to help out. No word of a lie, the last few times that J-Frog and I went the clientele was literally only Italians, the majority of which were male. You'd think that that would entice us in to going more often but these Italians are meat-feasters. Get a sufficient amount of alcohol down them and they're all over any young girl like an unrelenting genital itch. Giuseppe himself has started to show his loco (crazy) side. He comes out with the weirdest and most random shit and has also started to make advances on J-Frog to the point of unhealthy obsession.

Work is same old, same old. Shit, fuck-all to do, except chat with my colleagues and the cleaners downstairs but I love them all so it's totally worth it. J-Frog and I are practically joined at the hip. Not only do we live together and, effectively, see and go out with each other all the time, but we also message each other random crap on Facebook when we're at work ALL THE TIME. We even miss each other when we've been apart for longer than 2 hours. I don't know why I was so surprised when I saw that the last 7 (very long) posts on her wall were all from me! 'Needy' I hear you think. Well, no! I'm not attached, I just feel sorry for her because she has no other friends here! (Only joking J-Frog, kocham cie!)

For the past 2 Saturdays we have gone to La Plaza de Musica where there is live music played by local and national bands, in the bars surrounding the plaza. Our favourite bar is called Mojo, it's brilliant when said in an English accent. Most people get there around midnight and then afterwards there is music until the early hours and by early I mean 4-5am. If the after-party-like cacophony and raucous hoards of ravers are enough to scare you off, you can always go out to the plaza where there are hawkers selling beers for 1€, a dude selling hot dogs and loads of people smoking and drinking. It's a great way to meet new people and do some crazy shit, like run around naked and scrounge free drugs and alcohol.

The tides have turned and the weather is changing. The days are grey and the temperature only reaches a maximum of 21 degrees. But it's so much colder compared to when we first arrived. Central heating doesn't exist here so I have to use 2 duvets. It rains quite a lot as well which seems to be making people a little more gloomy. I guess this is good prep for when we go back to the freezing cold UK...

NO! No, no,no! Nein, nein, nein! I refuse to think like that. I have enjoyed every bleeding moment of my time here since the very beginning and WILL continue to do so until I bloody leave. So bring on more fiestas, more siestas, more DL and crazy, random, freaky antics!

Monday 29 October 2012

Lost in Time and Spain


Bonny: What’s up?
J-Frog (After a 5-day long a tope[1] session and 2-hour siesta): I feel lost in time and space.
Bonny: (Having endured the same fate but without sleep): Well, we are pretty much
lost in time and Spain. [Both laugh] Fancy going out tonight?
                                                                 *
Italy – home of the Vatican City, a copiosity of other attractions, great gastronomy, hot Mediterraneans and chic fashion brands! Why am I talking about Italy? Well… That’s where I find myself now…
Only joking! But I may as well have done! Since discovering our new favourite hangout, which I will call ‘Giuseppe’s Pomodoro’ I’ve discovered a small but very intimate community of Italians most of whom I’ve met through frequenting the wonderful little Italian establishment. ¡Joder! I’m hanging out with more Italians than I am Canarians and learning more Italian than I am Spanish! It could be worse though, I could be learning Fiddish! I’m drawn to Giuseppe’s Pomodoro, not only for the eclectic mix of sociable, good-looking people who go there, but also because the boss is the most chilled-out entertainer I have met in a long time. He doesn’t charge for drinks (not me anyway), has illegal late-night lock-ins and supplies me with the irresistible ‘Devil’s Leaf. [2]’ What a God! Through frequenting GP I’ve also met a mountain of international people who are travelling, working, taking a pit stop, or bumming around. What’s more, I’ve now landed myself a job behind the bar tax-free and all the drinks that I desire!

Over 6 weeks has passed since I arrived on this little island. I now find myself overcome with an overwhelming sense of attachment. I don't want to leave! Right now, I just want to do, see and experience everything in the little time I have left. Fortunately J-Frog is on the same wavelength so at least I have a partner in crime.

Our weekends start on Wednesdays when we go a tope every night until at least 3am. This takes us to Sunday and then there’s hangover Mondays (and Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays) when we go to work, feel sorry for ourselves and then have a siesta before doing it all over again! One example of a typical a tope session happened last Saturday night when the girls: Hannah, J-Frog and I went out and partied until the early hours, ended up at a French guy’s house, smoked the Devil’s leaf and us 3 spending the night. J-Frog passed out first! Hooray I’ve now surpassed her conscious tolerance! We got a taxi home in the morning and were hoping to siesta for the rest of the day to recuperate for yet another night out on Sunday but J-Frog and I found ourselves unable to enter the desirable vortex of dreams. So what did we do? We went back to Giuseppe’s for a nutritious Mediterranean breakfast of beer and wine, followed by dessert round his of the Devil’s Leaf and yet more wine. I have now named Sundays ‘The Day of the Dead’ as that’s how we feel every Sunday after 5 nights of hardcore partying.
Indeed, this buoyant and carefree lifestyle of partying, absorbing the Devil’s leaf, drinking, meeting random but fascinating people and sleeping at weird hours really takes me back to my student days. I really thought I’d left those behind but now at least I don’t have to contend with essay deadlines, meetings and revision.

The most notable personality trait which I’ve acquired here is a far more relaxed attitude. ¡No pasa nada! ¡Tranquila! ¡No hace falta! (Don´t worry, calm down, no need) seem to be the general mottoes here. So why worry when you have mottoes like that? I know that when I return to England (an alcoholic), after my next adventures to Hong Kong, Taiwan, Macau and the North of England (‘God!’ I hear you think, ‘I hope she doesn’t write another fucking blog for those as well!’), I intend to become a ‘real’ person, with a ‘real’ job and career prospects so whilst we’re here in the Canaries where it is sooooo much cheaper to go out, has better weather, it is rent-free, tax-free, you name it then you have to take advantage and just enjoy the experience! (Chung, B. (2012). The philosophy of a great, young mind. The Retarded Land of Bonbon, Pony Book club Inc.)

Over 2 weeks ago, I truly demonstrated my knack for being retarded by pouring hot water into a glass which then exploded over my foot. Luckily I was not scalded and Amma was at home to save the day! She went to our neighbours’ house, who called the ambulance. I was promptly taken to the emergency centre where I received a tetanus vaccine and had six stitches placed on my two deep, bloody wounds. First time I’d ever had stitches! Wooo, what an achievement!
Maybe I was high off the vaccine but my first thought after this horrific ordeal was not what would become of my foot, or any other preoccupation regarding my general health, but what this injury would deter me from doing. Again, the ‘Canarian’ God smiles upon my Bonny face for I was still able to continue with my normal routine AND go to Maspalomas and various other trips during my recovery. I am thankful for this. If my injury had deterred me from going to Maspalomas, I wouldn’t have been able to rub sun cream over the back of a naked, fat, middle-aged pervert who was blatantly following me and J-Frog as we strolled along the nudist beach. (You may laugh but this DID actually happen, and who else would it happen to but me!) Ah! I feel that this occasion calls for a perfect subjuctive+conditional perfect clause in Spanish: Si la herida me hubiera impedido ir a Maspalomas, no habría podido echar crema solar sobre la espalda de un señor desnudo, gordo y de mediana edad, quien luego nos siguió por la playa nudista hasta que paramos, él se detuvo y dejó de perseguirnos.
I received no sympathy from J-Frog, who just stood there and laughed, and have since discovered that the Oriental ladies in Maspalomas are hired to give massages so this dude was probably just confusing innocent little me with one of them! Just my friggin’ Canarian luck!

As we go out more, more drunken sayings between J-Frog and I seem to be developing. They’re brilliant, but the sort where you have to be there to find them funny. Here are a few examples:

Italian Guy: Succumb? That sound errr dirty, like suck and cum.
Bonny: Succumb. Suck and cum… That’s OK, that’s like ‘assume’ to make and ass of you and me.

J-Frog: Bonny, is that a chewee-chewee? (referring to chewing gum)
Bonny: No!... (runs sneakily away)
J-Frog: Ohw! You know I’d always give you my cheese! (For those of you who don’t know, I have a dangerous addiction to cheese. Put a bit in front of me and it’ll be gone in less than a blink of an eye.)

J-Frog: I was a genius, until I found sex, drugs and rock n’ hole.
Bonny: Yeah that’s where we are now, stuck in a hole!

J-Frog: (After our wonderful liquid breakfast on Sunday) I feel dead!
Bonny: That’s OK. It’s Sunday. Sunday’s the day of the dead.

J-Frog: URANUS!
Bonny: What?!
J-Frog: I knew there was a planet with sexual connotations!
(After spilling drink on her chest) As I said, my tits drink more than me.

J-Frog is also an expert at what and what not to mix with alcohol. Get this:
Bonny: Is it safe to take paracetamol when you drink?
J-Frog: No. It’ll destroy you from inside.

It’s strange; J-Frog and I are slowly but surely turning into each other. She has started eating blocks of cheese at a time, speaking Chinese and not leaving food leftovers. Shit man, she might even start eating apple cores soon!
I have starting drinking more and doing all nighters’, the last few times we’ve been out, I’ve managed to stay conscious far later than she’s been able to and I’m now starting to pick up a few useful Polish words!

As for work, p’ah?! I laugh in the face of this terminology. I finished all the tasks assigned to me ages ago and cannot be bothered to ask for more.
I love it though and am in no way discontent! Last week I shadowed three tours in the museum which were first given in Spanish and interpreted, by yours truly, into English which got me out of the library and up in action!
As well as taking long walks throughout the day I also spend copious amounts of time in the staff room where I speak to the cleaners. They are called Lydia, Carmen and Cale. With them I get to practice A LOT of Spanish, especially colloquial Spanish. They’re great company and there’s always laughter, banter, dancing and allsorts going on there. Cale is particularly fascinating! He’s a 42-year old homosexual who cleans at the museum during the day, is a designer-decorator by afternoon and a professional dance teacher by night. We have sooooo much in common! We both love dance, dressing up and theatrical make-up and loads of other stuff. On my ‘breaks’ we talk about LOADS of stuff: sex, relationships, dance forms, his love of London, men, dressing-up, etc. I sometimes spend my breaks having a bit of a jiggle with him too! He loves talking about his boyfriend and their ‘themed weeks’ where they select a country and everything they do that week has to be related to the chosen country. So that means dressing up in that country’s fashion, speaking the language, eating/cooking food from that country. You get the idea.

Most of the Canarians I’ve met here like to clearly distinguish themselves from mainland Spain, the majority of them consider themselves Canarians and not Spaniards. Last week I even saw a political demonstration from a Canarian Separatist party who want to make Gran Canaria a Muslim island. I guess it makes sense when you consider that the Canaries are geographically closer to North Africa and have different fiscal, political, etc systems. The way they speak is closer to Latin American Spanish than the Spanish spoken in the mainland.
At first when I started meeting natives of the island and they introduced themselves to me as ‘Canarians’, I used to think that there was absolutely no need to be so pedantic but then again it’s the same for me when people assume, yes they make an ass of themselves and me!, that I’m from China and I have to specify that ‘my parents’ are actually from ‘Hong Kong’ which is separate from China. This phrase ALWAYS follows the classic:
New person: Where are you from?
Bonny: I’m English.
New Person: [Brief pause and a look of confusion and disbelief] But where are you really from? China? Japan? Korea? Philippines?
Bonny: [More staunchly] I’m from England, but my parents are from Hong Kong.

Ah well, no pasa nada! I know it’s something that I’m going to have to deal with for as long I keep meeting new people, unless I move to Hong Kong of course where hopefully they’ll all just assume that I’m a native.

As for the bet, Joanna lost and will be running into the sea naked tonight at 9pm! Phew!
That will be all. Ciao for now.



[1] To go all out, extremely, completely
[2] Those of you who know me well enough will understand this terminology which was used in my student days. Those of you who don’t will just have to ponder on its meaning. 

Thursday 11 October 2012

‘My name is NOT Pony or Naomi and my boyfriend is NOT Clyde!’


I am now in my third week of working in the library of La Casa-Museo de Benito Pérez Galdós as a translator. The tasks which I have been assigned are improving the English Google-translated version of the museum’s brochure, which I finished in 2 days, so I am now translating it from Spanish to Chinese. The hours are long and the money’s terrible! Joke! My hours are 09.30-14.00 from Monday to Friday and it’s an unpaid internship, so blurgh! The translations themselves ought to take hardly any time but I’m making them last as long as possible, mainly because there is no deadline and I am left to my own devices. In reality, work is a really good opportunity to check my emails, surf the net, go on Facebook (much to my own aversion), take super-long walks and chat to my colleagues for much longer than I ought to. Just the other day I went out for a walk, lost track of time and ended up taking 40 minutes! When I got back, Ana, the very chirpy woman who sits behind me chatted to me for a while before asking me if I’d been on a break and if not, then I should go and take one! I like Ana, she’s a massive ‘foodie’ and loves anything sweet! She spent a good hour, in my first week, talking to me about her trip to London and how much she loved cupcakes there. She knows all the famous cupcake companies and all the best places (in London, of course) where you can get them. It’s good practice for my Spanish though.

There is a place near our apartment called Cien Montaditos, which we frequent most Wednesdays when you pay 2€ for a beer or tinto de verano on its own, or the same price for the same drink AND a montadito (a small baguette with any filling of your choice). As you may have been able to fathom there are 100 different types of montaditos. All you have to do is go to the counter to order your drink and montadito and give your name. They then give you a receipt and you have to wait for your name to be called. Last Wednesday, J-Frog[1] (her nickname in Polish is Zaba which means ‘frog’) showed me her receipt where her name was written ‘Yoana.’ I proceeded to look at mine and written in four clear, capital letters was the word ‘PONY!’ Naturally everyone burst out laughing, myself included, but what I thought would be a transient joke has actually turned in to something more permanent. Amma now calls me Pony, or Bonbon, but mostly Pony. When we went on a yoga trip at the weekend, I introduced myself to some people who also thought that I’d said Pony. This, of course, served to fuel Amma’s Pony-calling fire.

Due to our different working hours, Mikey is no longer able to give me weekly ballet lessons. This I have compensated for by trying out a whole host of other dance forms and physical disciplines. Last week I tried out something called Biodanza, but it really was not for me. The whole focus was on relinquishing stress and ill-feeling through creative dance, then reflecting on your thoughts and feelings and those of the others who are dancing with you, by placing your hand upon your heart after every dance. Far too profound for my liking! Last Friday I had my first class in Kundalini Yoga. Not what I expected at all! Here the focus is on breathing loudly and chanting mantras to expel any stress, and cultivate the spiritual awareness of the self in order to remain calm and help others. This class was followed by a two-hour reflection about how Kundalini has helped each individual. Amongst some of the comments made were: ‘Kundalini has helped me find the real me’, ‘Before Kundalini I was sad and dissatisfied but I’ve been on a spiritual journey and found my true self’, ‘When I went on a Kundalini retreat I could feel my sexual organs pulsing in time with Mother Nature’s heartbeat’… You get the general gist. It’s a bit too sensual and emotive for my liking but hey, the classes are free so I may as well take advantage. Afterwards Amma, Camilla (her Italian friend who was lodging with us for a few days) and I were invited to a yoga meet which took place on Saturday evening at El Roque Nublo - one of the most famous landmarks of Gran Canaria, situated over a 1000km above sea level. We were driven there by Hector, one of the yoga instructors, who parked up at the bottom of the mountain. We had to hike around 40 minutes to get to the actual monument. After we arrived we had to wait around for other yoga participants to arrive, which gave me precious time to enjoy the spectacular views, meet new people and be at one with nature. From there you could see Tenerife, El Hierro, as well as enjoy panoramic views of all the nearby towns. Really, it was AMAZING! The yoga class lasted over an hour and was followed by a short course of meditation. Afterwards we had dinner on the mountain and froze our asses off when Hector decided that he wanted to chant for longer. We arrived back in Las Palmas at around midnight and were absolutely knackered. Though the strenuous activity and the fresh air made me feel like a million dollars the next day.

On Monday I tried another class of yoga which was far more suited to my taste. It was more ‘orthodox’ (to put it nicely) and had a really calming and relaxing atmosphere. The teacher was also very helpful with regards to my posture. One thing that put me to shame though was the realization that the majority of the participants, who are over 40, were more flexible than me! Oh well, practice makes perfect. Yesterday I tried a class of Bollywood dancing and it was SOOOOOOO FUN! Also, it’s much cheaper than the ‘orthodox’ yoga so I’m definitely considering taking that up.

With regards to my social life it’s still desenfrenada (wild) as hell. I went out most nights last week, be it to pasarmelo de puta madre (have a fucking mental night), to play beach ball, or just to take a walk. 
J-Frog and I have stopped frequenting Camaleón as we wanted a new place of interest. We found one last Wednesday called Soul Kitchen, which I was invited to by 2 Finnish girls that I’d met at (ha, you guessed it!) Camaleón. On Wednesdays they have live music and Sunday is their international social night. Last week I went to both nights and met lots of new international people who are all travelling, studying, or bumming around. I introduced myself to various people and it seems that when they hear the name Bonny, it tends to conjure up the name Clyde. Most of the guys there took the piss out of me by saying ‘Oh so you must be married to Clyde’, or ‘Do you have a boyfriend called Clyde?’, ‘You ought to marry a Clyde.’ (How about I marry a Clyde Tyler and that would be amusement at my expense for life!) The night culminated in J-Frog and I on the beach with 3 German guys, the 2 Finnish girls, some Italians and Luca, the owner of Soul Kitchen. We sat there playing guitar, singing songs and drinking heartily. I’ve since taken a liking to Luca, he’s a lovely old soul who never takes note of who has ordered what and ends up charging people too much, too little, or as was the case yesterday asking the customer for an offer! Luca himself is drunk or high most of the time so if you were to walk out without paying, as Hannah did the other night, he wouldn’t even notice. His waiter, Gustavo, is even fucking worse! He gets pissed and walks home talking absolute shit, and thinking that he’s the fountain of all knowledge. I would just have taken full advantage of their fecklessness, but Hannah being the honest soul that she is asked me to go back the next day and give him the money. God knows how they even manage to make any profit! We went again last night and an Israeli guy, Itai, who I’ve met several times thought that my name was Naomi and proceeded to call me that for the rest of the night despite the fact that I’d corrected him every time.

So far the no-sex bet is still on but J-Frog is almost verging on the point of breaking. The other night, when we were all nicely drunk, with three dashing Germans, one of whom J-Frog was getting on especially well, she even offered to run in to the sea naked in dubious foresight of what the future may hold! As a loyal and trustworthy friend, I persuaded her against it for various, practical reasons. Firstly, Hannah wasn’t there to witness it. Secondly, she would have been doing it with other people, so would actually save herself from the humiliation of doing it alone. Thirdly, she might actually pull through and win the bet. She’s done well so far!

So what lessons have I learnt from the aforementioned experiences? Firstly, that pronunciation has never been my forte, or most of the people that I’ve met don’t actually care about names, and secondly that I am audacious, *ahem* miserly, enough to walk out of a small-time establishment without paying, but hey! at least my infallible logic and loyalty as a friend compensates for that. ¿Verdad?

Oh yeah, we finally got a new oven last week but lo and behold the mains cut out every time you turned it on so we couldn’t use it for another week. This week someone came to fix it and so far, so good. Only thing is the nobs are in reverse order so you have to turn them to the left, instead of right, only one of the nobs has numbers AND the higher the number the lower the heat! That’s Spain for you though! At least we have a working oven… For the time being.

That’s it for now folks but join me next time for more fun-filled frolics in the Canaries!

Lots of Love,

Bugs BonnyPonyBonbon Naomi and Clyde.



[1] With respect to the individual’s request for anonymity, the author is henceforth obliged to use an alternative name. 

Wednesday 26 September 2012

Alcoholiday: Siestas, Fiestas and Spanish men.


Being in Spain has become an excuse and a reason for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING! Eating too much, eating too little, eating at weird times, being come on to by Lesbians who frequent Erasmus bars, the list is endless. We’ve been promised many things; most importantly: the internet!!! The other day the housemates and I were anxiously waiting to get the internet and when we were finally given the password, lo and behold, it didn’t work. Why? ‘Because we’re in Spain!’ As I mentioned last time, the concepts of time and urgency in this country is nil. When someone promises you something the general expectation is that they’ll be late or won’t do the job properly. Our first oven broke down on the fourth day in and we were promised a replacement with immediacy. The replacement finally arrived a week and a half later but broke only a few hours after its first use. We are still waiting on that puta internet, a television AND a new oven which was supposed to arrive yesterday. Worry not though.  Why? [Porque] Estamos en España, no pasa nada. (Because we’re in Spain, it doesn’t matter.) That’s the current catchphrase in our household which summarises the Spanish attitude to life in a nutshell.

Despite the comment about time coming to a standstill, in actuality it is flying by!!! Already we are in the third week of this programme. Classes finished last Friday and everyone started their placements today. As much as I complain about how I dislike academia, I actually really enjoyed my classes. My teacher, Carlos, was the most enthusiastic, vivacious and encouraging Spanish teacher I’ve ever had. He explained everything with more clarity than the Atlantic Ocean, which surrounds this island, and had more patience than a prisoner on death row. This was due largely to the fact that he had a background in Greek and Latin. When learning a language it is really important to have a maestro who KNOWS HIS SHIT and is highly passionate about his job, coz you can guarantee that learning about verbal periphrases and how to conjugate Spanish verbs in the pluperfect subjunctive are not the most well-received activities of choice at 9 o’ clock on a weekday morning!

So far I like to think that I’ve immersed myself as much as possible in the Spanish culture. Last week we had a first impromptu night out which ended up with the discovery of a new and super-cheap Erasmus bar called Camaleón, which serves alcoholic drinks from as little as 1 per glass! It was here where Rob demonstrated his knack for getting very drunk in very little time. That night he also got with Nati, a Spanish local who we can only speculate is actually a lesbian. Don’t know why though. I, on the other hand, was come-on-to by 3 men. The first was David, Nati’s friend who claimed he wanted to practice his English with a native speaker. By this point though I, having drunk around 3 vodka and diet cokes, 3 tintos de verano (a Spanish concoction of red wine and lemonade) and a mojito, was already deeply embedded in an inebriated stupor. I quickly lost track of what poor David was saying (in English!) and decided to turn my back to him midway through our conversation. The second guy was called Juan - I think! He was a 41 year old – I think - teacher from Las Palmas who started rambling on about the Spanish crisis. Errr how about no I’m fucked out of my brains and can’t concentrate so you’re definitely NOT pulling tonight! Now, the third one was definitely the best! They always say that they save the best for last. When everyone had had enough we all decided to head home. This guy followed me when I was outside, had the audacity to place his arm around my shoulder and declare that he was coming back to mine to follarme! The bloody cheek! Luckily Josh was on hand to offer his useful aesthetic services. I quickly walked to the other side of the unassuming Josh and told the Spanish guy that Josh was my boyfriend, which seemed to put him off. Thank God! I’ve now designated Josh as my ‘pretend boyfriend’ on nights out. Josh is 6’2”, proper hench and has the look of someone you wouldn’t want to mess with. He also comes from ‘uddersfield which means ‘e’s well ‘ard! No, it doesn’t really. It just means he speaks Spanish with a Northern twang! Yes, it’s good to have someone who looks like they’ll protect you from the meat-hungry eyes and wandering hands of those greasy, Spanish sweater monkeys! We made it home at around 3am and still made it in time for class at 9am the next day. Well, I did anyway. 
Other cultural excursions where alcohol has not been the main component, have also taken place. Last Thursday we went on a school trip to Agaete, a nearby mountain town in the Northwest of the island. The town itself is tiny but we got some spectacular views from the mountain and the trip made a nice change from Las Palmas. On Sunday Hannah, Galina, Will and I took a little trip to Teror, another quiet mountain town, located in the North of the island. Again, not really much to do here. The town has a Church, a few museums, most of which were closed as it was a Sunday. However we were able to enjoy the hustle-bustle of the Sunday market which sells everything from arts, crafts and hand-made jewellery to local chorizo. We stayed here for a few hours and took some photos before heading back to Las Palmas.

Things are still going swimmingly well within my household. So far so good, except last week when Joanna decided to stink the fridge out with her fucking smoked salmon! We girls spend most of our time together moaning about how bored we are, or in mine and Joanna’s case, complaining about Spanish people.  We’ve decided that, considering Spain is in deep economic shit, they are a lazy bunch of so-and-sos. On more than three occasions have we seen signs displayed on the front of shop doors saying ‘closed [for an extended period of time + due to whatever reason]’. The best one we’ve come across so far was one stating ‘esta tienda está cerrada para un descanso personal’ (This shop is closed for a personal rest.) The fact that the shop owner didn’t even bother to make up an excuse (was obviously too lazy to do so) was enough to propel us in fits of hysterical, gut-wrenching laughter. 
So what do the Spaniards do to maintain productivity and sustain the economy? Well, from what we’ve seen they spend their time sunbathing on the beach, out drinking at bars, frequenting nightclubs and eating tapas, or if you are a Spanish male, sat outside visually molesting foreign girls (namely us), wolf-whistling and making crude comments.  Yes, I’ve had every type of endearing nomenclature hurled at me from guapa (beautiful), to chinita bonita (beautiful Chinese girl), to puta (God, how did they know?!).  Usually it is taken in good jest but when the culprit happens to be a fat, dribbling, sweaty old excuse for a man, I just want to tell him to ‘get a wife! And if you’ve already got one (God help her!) then get a life!’ (See, that even rhymes).
Spaniards are a very scatological race of people, using expletives in their everyday-language like there’s no tomorrow. It’s always Joder (fuck) this and coño (c***) that.  In my attempt to be more Spanish, I often address my beloved housemates as coños and greet them in the mornings with a delightful joder.
Last Friday saw an end to our classes and this was, of course, a cause for celebration. As the ETS lot have received a lot of complaints from the neighbours about noise pollution, we decided that the best method of pre-drinking was to go out on the street and do it. Bring on the botellón! So there we were, practicing the antics of our pre-legal drinking age years and having a whale of a time. That night I got absolutely fucked and ended up passing out at a club. Thankfully nothing bad happened as Hannah and Joanna managed to get me home safely, but not before I chundered up my bodyweight in what the boys describe as an ‘orangey, liquid mess.’ Hannah begged to differ, saying that it was more ‘yellow and eggy.’ (Thanks for analysing my sick guys!) Joanna couldn’t handle her sexual frustration any longer (2 weeks is a long time for some people, you know?) and ended up having ‘sex on the beach’ (T-Spoon (NOT Vengaboys), 1997) with a random Spaniard. Obviously he wasn’t one of the lazy ones. Hannah and I have since imposed a sex ban on Joanna for the next two months. If she should fail, she must run naked in to the sea the day after the offence. If she should succeed then Hannah and I must do it on 25th November 2012. A written contract has been signed and dated by us three as proof of this bet.

In other news, there is no swing dancing scene in Las Palmas which has put me in great distress. Instead I have started taking private ballet lessons with Mikey, another lad on the vocational side of the programme. So far, so good but I didn’t realise how taxing it is as a dance form. I’ve had 2 lessons and each time I have come away with aching abs and painful hips!

I started placement today in La Casa de Benito Pérez Galdós – home of the renowned Spanish writer, novelist, playwright and poet. The museum-house is located in La Triana, an area within the beautifully preserved old town which is often brimming with tourists and chic Spaniards. When I found out that I was going to be working here as a translator, last week, I was over-the-moon.  This kind of thing is right up my street so I got super-excited about it. The first day, however, was tedious and uneventful. I turned up to work and my supervisor had been called away to an important meeting. He’d left a message with only one woman, Ana, who was the only one to know that I was meant to be there. She gave me a quick introduction to my colleagues, then gave me 3 books on Pérez Galdós to read and left me to my own devices. So there I sat, in the library for 3 hours educating myself on the man and his works. At least I had a computer and free internet to hand. As much as I want to avoid Facebook, sometimes it just calls to be used. Especially when one has no internet at home!

Wednesday 12 September 2012

50 Shades of Spain pt. 1


Once again, I find myself in the sweltering, summer heat of August, on an island to which, until now, I have not ventured. Where am I? Las Palmas de Gran Canaria in (but not technically in) Spain. Is it August? No, it’s September, autumn in most other European countries, but in Spain anything’s possible. Temperatures here reach 40 degrees by day and the sun is hot enough to roast a pig faster than you can say: ‘Jamon Serrano!’
I am here on a 12-week programme with the European Training Services. Various people have asked me exactly what this traineeship will entail and what it is that I’ll be doing. Good question. I had - and still have - absolutely no idea. I just dressed it up by saying that it was an internship for the EU, not strictly a lie seeing as I did find out about this programme via the EU website. At the interview for this, which was held in a tiny, sleepy town called Lichfield, all I gathered was that I would be enrolled on an all-expenses paid 12-week holiday, I mean traineeship which included a 2-week intensive Spanish course followed by 10 weeks of work experience. (For anyone who wants to know, Lichfield is cathedral citycivil parish[2] and district in Staffordshire, England. One of eight civil parishes with city status in England, Lichfield is situated roughly 25 km north of Birmingham. In 2008, its population was estimated at 30,583 and the wider Lichfield district at 100,700. (Thank you Wikipedia!)There are also 2 train stations.) I’d never heard of the place until I got the interview except that Lichfield is written on some packets of condiments that you find at social functions and Little Chef outlets. (Bonny’s trivia!)
On the way here, I had the pleasure of meeting the other 9 participants on this programme. We are 3 boys and 7 girls, all graduates with different backgrounds, from different parts of the world and UK. Having only been sent some very unflattering passport photos of each other and in contact via an ETS facebook group, our introductions were of the sort reminiscent of freshers’ week. Where are you from? What did you study? What were you doing before this? All in all everyone seemed to hit it off really well. I was relieved to find out that none of the others knew what this ETS thing was. One of the possibilities raised was that we would be going to Spain to be sold as sex slaves and that ETS actually stood for Erotic Training Services! Well, I’m not opposed to that if it guarantees me employment in a country ‘up to its balls’ (hasta los cojones) in economic recession! Furthermore, it just so happens that ETS in Spanish stands for Enfermedades de Transmision Sexual (STDs in English).
            After a 4 hour plane journey we finally arrived in Spain. Now, you know that you’re in Spain when you arrive on a Saturday and it turns out randomly to be a bank holiday and you cannot make head nor tail of shops’ opening and closing times. Only here do 50-year-old, wrinkly, sexually frustrated men wolf-whistle and shout guapa (pretty/gorgeous/beautiful) at young, beautiful girls as though they have a chance in hell of bedding them and only here do people lose all concepts of time and urgency. Except of course when they do have to make an effort i.e. when they have to protest (so quite a lot) or when they are food shopping at 11am on a Sunday!
We were met at the airport by Orlando, our host for this programme, taken to our accommodation and given a mini tour of the local area. When I found out that the flats would be divided in to same-sex flats, my heart sank. I’m obviously no misogynist; but I’ve always lived in a mixed-house and found that to be the best option. I view myself as more of a ‘ladsy’ girl: I like banter, especially of the sexual or vulgar kind, hate talking about make-up and girly stuff, and have always believed that combined oestrogenic tension under one roof always leads to fallouts and estrangement. So evidently I just need to grow some balls and suck it up!
The reality though could not be further from the truth. I am now living in a new, modern apartment with 3 other girls: (Joanna, Hannah and Amma) and there is PLENTY of banter! We are all very open and easy-going people with lots of stories to tell.
The flatmate who has made a massive impression on me and with whom I share a very unique sense of humour is Joanna. Joanna is Polish. Enough said. (Joke!) Her life is a comedy of errors that would make for a brilliant smash-hit comedy. Not only did she turn up to the airport late and hungover, but she was the only one of us who was charged for overweight baggage. What of this? Well, when you count the 9 pairs of heels and 30 summer dresses that comprised her suitcase you start to wonder what exactly goes on in her head. So far we have spoken about very personal things, namely: sex, relationships, men, Latinos, Scousers, Geordies, men and men. And sex.  Last night, after a few drinks with the rest of the group, we shared a very endearing moment together, where we were both in which we both squatted in front of the open fridge eating cheese and consoling ourselves that it was because we were pregnant!
            Hannah, funnily enough, I knew of and recognised, but had never actually spoken to, from Secondary and Upper school. Small world eh?! We saw each other again at the interview and exchanged a few brief words there but I honestly didn’t think I’d end up on this programme so just resigned myself to the fact that I probably wouldn’t be seeing her again. My heart leapt when I saw her name on the list. It’s always nice to have some fresh, young, Suffolk/Cambridgeshire blood to add in to the mix. So far we’ve been reminiscing about our old school friends who we’re still in touch with and whether or not we know this or that person.
            I met Amma at Lichfield and ended up spending the entire day with her there. Now I am sharing a room with her. She is unbelievably easy to get on with and very perky which makes life a lot easier. I should hope that we’ll still be on speaking terms by the end of this course, or more to the point that she has not killed me in my sleep. That happens in Spain y’know?! Here, anything goes.
            Of the others there is Rob, who became engrossed in the sexcapades in of 50 Shades Darker and ended up reading 80 pages in 2 hours! Since then he has become the group joke (and inspiration for the title of this blog) and has demonstrated an encyclopaedic knowledge of SATC and Gossip Girl. He lives with Josh and Will who both went to Manchester Uni. Then there are the other girls: Leanne, who is Irish and likes potatoes, Joanne, owner of “50 Shades Darker”, Galina – a Bulgarian with a very interesting Scottish-American English accent.
            I had to wake up at 6.30am today for a short placement test, which consisted of a 5-minute casual conversation after which I was placed in B2, the highest level. Considering I’ve been studying the language for 8 years I was actually hoping to be placed at the bottom level so that I could shock and impress my peers. That, unfortunately, was not to be, so I guess not everything is possible in Spain.
Hope you enjoyed reading this brief (ahem, not!) introduction my new life in Spain. Join me next time for more fun-filled, sunny dramas in the Mediterranean.