Once again,
I find myself in the sweltering, summer heat of August, on an island to which,
until now, I have not ventured. Where am I? Las Palmas de Gran Canaria in (but
not technically in) Spain. Is it
August? No, it’s September, autumn in most other European countries, but in
Spain anything’s possible. Temperatures here reach 40 degrees by day and the
sun is hot enough to roast a pig faster than you can say: ‘Jamon Serrano!’
I am here on a 12-week programme with the European Training
Services. Various people have asked me exactly what this traineeship will entail
and what it is that I’ll be doing. Good question. I had - and still have -
absolutely no idea. I just dressed it up by saying that it was an internship
for the EU, not strictly a lie seeing as I did find out about this programme
via the EU website. At the interview for this, which was held in a tiny, sleepy
town called Lichfield, all I gathered was that I would be enrolled on an
all-expenses paid 12-week holiday, I mean traineeship which included a 2-week intensive
Spanish course followed by 10 weeks of work experience. (For anyone who wants
to know, Lichfield is a cathedral city, civil parish[2] and district in Staffordshire,
England. One of eight civil parishes with city status in England, Lichfield is
situated roughly 25 km north of Birmingham.
In 2008, its population was estimated at 30,583 and the wider Lichfield district at 100,700. (Thank
you Wikipedia!)There are also 2 train stations.) I’d never heard of the place
until I got the interview except that Lichfield is written on some packets of
condiments that you find at social functions and Little Chef outlets. (Bonny’s
trivia!)
On the way here, I had the pleasure of meeting the other 9 participants
on this programme. We are 3 boys and 7 girls, all graduates with different
backgrounds, from different parts of the world and UK. Having only been sent
some very unflattering passport photos of each other and in contact via an ETS facebook
group, our introductions were of the sort reminiscent of freshers’ week. Where are you from? What did you study? What
were you doing before this? All in all everyone seemed to hit it off really
well. I was relieved to find out that none of the others knew what this ETS
thing was. One of the possibilities raised was that we would be going to Spain
to be sold as sex slaves and that ETS actually stood for Erotic Training
Services! Well, I’m not opposed to that if it guarantees me employment in a
country ‘up to its balls’ (hasta los
cojones) in economic recession! Furthermore, it just so happens that ETS in
Spanish stands for Enfermedades de
Transmision Sexual (STDs in English).
After a 4 hour plane journey we
finally arrived in Spain. Now, you know that you’re in Spain when you arrive on
a Saturday and it turns out randomly to be a bank holiday and you cannot make
head nor tail of shops’ opening and closing times. Only here do 50-year-old,
wrinkly, sexually frustrated men wolf-whistle and shout guapa (pretty/gorgeous/beautiful) at young, beautiful girls as
though they have a chance in hell of bedding them and only here do people lose
all concepts of time and urgency. Except of course when they do have to make an effort i.e. when they
have to protest (so quite a lot) or when they are food shopping at 11am on a
Sunday!
We were met at the airport by Orlando, our host for this
programme, taken to our accommodation and given a mini tour of the local area.
When I found out that the flats would be divided in to same-sex flats, my heart
sank. I’m obviously no misogynist; but I’ve always lived in a mixed-house and
found that to be the best option. I view myself as more of a ‘ladsy’ girl: I
like banter, especially of the sexual or vulgar kind, hate talking about
make-up and girly stuff, and have always believed that combined oestrogenic
tension under one roof always leads to fallouts and estrangement. So evidently
I just need to grow some balls and suck it up!
The reality
though could not be further from the truth. I am now living in a new, modern
apartment with 3 other girls: (Joanna, Hannah and Amma) and there is PLENTY of
banter! We are all very open and easy-going people with lots of stories to tell.
The flatmate who has made a massive impression on me and with
whom I share a very unique sense of humour is Joanna. Joanna is Polish. Enough
said. (Joke!) Her life is a comedy of errors that would make for a brilliant
smash-hit comedy. Not only did she turn up to the airport late and hungover,
but she was the only one of us who was charged for overweight baggage. What of
this? Well, when you count the 9 pairs of heels and 30 summer dresses that comprised
her suitcase you start to wonder what exactly goes on in her head. So far we
have spoken about very personal things, namely: sex, relationships, men,
Latinos, Scousers, Geordies, men and men. And sex. Last night, after a few drinks with the rest
of the group, we shared a very endearing moment together, where we were both in
which we both squatted in front of the open fridge eating cheese and consoling
ourselves that it was because we were pregnant!
Hannah, funnily enough, I knew of
and recognised, but had never actually spoken to, from Secondary and Upper
school. Small world eh?! We saw each other again at the interview and exchanged
a few brief words there but I honestly didn’t think I’d end up on this
programme so just resigned myself to the fact that I probably wouldn’t be
seeing her again. My heart leapt when I saw her name on the list. It’s always
nice to have some fresh, young, Suffolk/Cambridgeshire blood to add in to the
mix. So far we’ve been reminiscing about our old school friends who we’re still
in touch with and whether or not we know this or that person.
I met Amma at Lichfield and ended up
spending the entire day with her there. Now I am sharing a room with her. She
is unbelievably easy to get on with and very perky which makes life a lot
easier. I should hope that we’ll still be on speaking terms by the end of this
course, or more to the point that she has not killed me in my sleep. That
happens in Spain y’know?! Here, anything goes.
Of the others there is Rob, who
became engrossed in the sexcapades in of 50
Shades Darker and ended up reading 80 pages in 2 hours! Since then he has
become the group joke (and inspiration for the title of this blog) and has
demonstrated an encyclopaedic knowledge of SATC and Gossip Girl. He lives with
Josh and Will who both went to Manchester Uni. Then there are the other girls:
Leanne, who is Irish and likes potatoes, Joanne, owner of “50 Shades Darker”,
Galina – a Bulgarian with a very interesting Scottish-American English accent.
I had to wake up at 6.30am today for
a short placement test, which consisted of a 5-minute casual conversation after
which I was placed in B2, the highest level. Considering I’ve been studying the
language for 8 years I was actually hoping to be placed at the bottom level so
that I could shock and impress my peers. That, unfortunately, was not to be, so
I guess not everything is possible in
Spain.
Hope you
enjoyed reading this brief (ahem, not!) introduction my new life in Spain. Join
me next time for more fun-filled, sunny dramas in the Mediterranean.
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